Some facts about mass shooters

Monday, December 17 2012

the proud spirit cannot endure to be mocked” — Thomas More.

I share the general sense of tragedy concerning last week’s shooting, although not — I am sorry to say — much sense of shock. These incidents have become too common in our society to elicit surprise. I am, however, disappointed in the media’s portrayal of the shooters as some sort of arch-villains, as though indiscriminately firing an automatic weapons makes a person as evil and scary as Bain from the latest Batman movie.

I wish the media would instead focus on the fact that these people are not only ordinary, but also quite pathetic. For example, mass murderers are almost always incompetent at actual shooting. For example, the theater shooting in Colorado (and now I regret the Bain reference), James Holmes shot 71 people but killed only 12 — in a packed movie theater. That would be a shameful record for any sort of expert marksman. In the Fort Hood shootings, an actual Army officer named Nidal Hasan shot 43 people but only killed 13. That should be an embarrassment to the Army. Charles Joseph Whitman, the former Marine who did his shooting from the Texas Tower, killed 13 and wounded 32 — a slightly better record, yet still reflecting poorly on his military training.

Many people wish to implicate violent video games in mass shootings; they overlook the fact that shooters are terrible at violent video games. A person who averages 17% lethality in real life isn’t going to finish the original Doom in his lifetime. Jared Loughner played Call of Duty: World at War under the screen name, “JarJarJared69”, and had a win-loss ratio of .37. Steven Kazmierczak played Halo II as “Kazthma|8==)”, where he was known primarily for fragging his own teammates. Seung-Hui Choi was widely loathed in the Gears of War multiplayer world for hacking the game to give himself unlimited lives and ammo — earning him the nickname “Some-Guy Cheats”. If violent video games are the problem, it’s because they’re too challenging for guys who might be better off playing Donkey Kong Country.

Also on the cultural front, violent music and films are often blamed for conditioning shooters to violence. Few, if any, shooters are confirmed to be fans of hard-core rap music or heavy metal. Wade Michael Page killed six Sikh Temple members; the ringtone on his cellphone was Britney Spear’s “I’m a Slave 4 U”.  After Charles Carl Roberts shot 11 girls in an Amish schoolhouse and killed himself,  investigators found he had been listening to the Tom Jones hit “What’s New Pussycat?” at full blast, apparently to get himself psyched up for the shooting. Mark Orrin Barton’s favorite film was Ladybugs; Omar S. Thornton described himself as ‘a huge Carrot Top fan’. The closest any mass murderer gets to hard-core rap music is Jiverly Wong — a former Juggalo.

Despite there being lots of talk about ‘mental health’ around these cases, it’s still rarely discussed what exact diagnosis these shooters carry. It is a little known fact that Congenital Genital Deficiency Compensatory Disorder (CGDCD) affects 9 in 10 mass murderers — that is, in layman’s terms, they have very tiny penises. Most men with tiny penises use ostentatious displays of wealth — e.g. sports cars or Hummers — to compensate, but for reasons unknown to science, some teeny-weenied men will pick up rifles and go to town. I am not sure if the media are concerned about lawsuits or FCC fines, but I wish they would just say it: “Adam Lanza had a tiny penis”. Moreover, 85% of shooters are chronic masturbators, and 98% had never made it to first base with a non-relative girl. So it’s not like everyone who takes Paxil is a shooting waiting to happen; mass shooters have a very narrow, specific pathology poorly understood by medical science, and also tiny penises.

As important as these facts are to a fuller understanding of mass murderers, little of it ever emerges from the media sensationalism over such shootings. Obviously, the media would prefer the ratings boost from the more dramatic narrative that these men are possessed by unfathomably powerful evil, rather than admitting they are tormented by impotent rage. So as we mourn and grieve, I think we should take time to remember: mass murderers are almost always pathetic little men who are bad at video games, don’t have girlfriends, listen to terrible music, have tiny penises, and are not even especially good at shooting in real life. If society could see these people for who they truly are, maybe we would not be held so tightly in their thrall. And if would-be shooters knew they risked exposure as the tiny-penised losers they are, maybe they would think twice before committing these awful crimes.



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One Response

  1. SickMomma January 21 2013 @ 1:02 am

    I <3 you, Duncan. While I always hope that the latest mass shooting will be the last, I will absolutely think of how teensy weensy endowed the shooters are at each and every one that occurs in the future. :) And oh, if only I were still working in the mainstream media so I could find a way to tuck that factoid in …

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