How to: Learn to Fly!
Thursday, March 11 2010
If you are sick and need (or want) to fly, it is a daunting prospect – the scrutiny, the crowds, the discomfort. What used to be a relatively benign experience has become – even for the healthiest traveler – one gigantic hassle after another. But for many trips, there’s really no other way to get where you’re going. Arriving at the airport prepared to manage your circumstances will make your trip a lot more pleasant – or at least, less unpleasant. After a digression, I offer some tips to make air travel easier.
The first thing I want to say is that none of this should be taken as criticism of the fine men and women of the Transportation Security Administration. They are, for the most part, courteous and professional to a fault – which is a huge difference over the first year or two after 9/11, when they were mostly window-licking idiots. Since then, hiring and training have gotten a lot stricter, and it shows.
The problem isn’t the TSA – it’s the laws they’re hired and trained to enforce. Let’s take a brief review of the last decade in airport security history: in 2001, a handful of guys were able to gain control of four jetliners because the cockpit doors were too flimsy to keep them out – despite the fact that this was a well-known problem already. Yes, September 11th was an awful tragedy, and pointed out some glaring flaws in air travel security.
But since then, every time a would-be terrorist even thinks about attacking an airplane, the passengers get saddled with ever more onerous restrictions. The shoe bomber failed – and now everybody has to take off their shoes. (Naturally, this happened less than a year after I bought a pair of shoes specifically for air travel – no metal – so I wouldn’t have to take them off.) Then authorities uncovered a terrorist plot involving the use of liquid explosives – nevermind that the plot was wildly implausible – and we now have to put our liquids into see-thru plastic baggies, right next to our shoes. Finally, the underwear guy burned his nuts off, and now the TSA is redoubling its efforts to take naked pictures of us. Got that so far? Good – end rant.
1. Ticketing: buy the aisle, near the back of the plane, especially if you have bladder or bowel issues. Even if that’s not your problem, you should know that the flight attendants will spend most of their free time in the aft galley of the plane – if you need water, or a snack, or medical help, it’s better to be close to the people who can provide those things.
2. Packing: You can carry any amount of any medically necessary liquid (or equipment, for that matter) as carry-on, and you should carry as much as you need with you. Don’t overdo it – pack plenty extra in your checked baggage – but make sure you have enough to get by for the duration of your trip, in case your bags get lost. How you pack those items depends on how you want to go through security (see the next paragraph). Of course, once the terrorists figure out this loophole, and start daydreaming a plot involving bombs disguised as prescription medicine, all bets are off.
3. Security: the line for security always makes me tense, but I’ve learned a few things that help me get through. First, I just assume that I’m going to get a bag check. It doesn’t always happen, but often enough that I no longer bother to put my liquids into a plastic bag. The punishment for not doing so? Bag check – so it doesn’t make much difference. If you have anything potentially embarrassing (ostomy supplies, for example) you can ask to be screened in a private area.
Even when I do put my liquids in a bag, the screener usually sees something that earns me a bag check; lately, it’s been my cholestyramine, which is a yellow powder (it’s in the bottle labeled “bullshit” in the photograph). Sometimes it’s the scissors I use to trim my appliance. On my last outbound flight, they wanted my teeny, tiny Swiss Army knife (I convinced them to let me break the blade off instead, so I at least had the rest of the attachments). Like I said, sometimes they don’t even bother: the last time I flew, the screener was very obviously not paying attention to the monitor when my luggage went through.
And remember, you can always refuse the body scan – and get a pat-down instead. You may not like either option, but I prefer the pat-down. The screeners have always been courteous and respectful when I decline the body scanner.
4. Boarding: there’s a non-negligible chance – especially if you fly United – that your seat assignments got screwed up between the time you purchased the ticket and the time you board the plane. In which case, you might have to do some horse trading with your fellow passengers to get the seat you want. Failing that, you can always ask the flight attendant for help finding an appropriate seat. Don’t be afraid to use the “medical condition” card: “I have a medical condition that requires me to have access to the lavatories”, or something along those lines. Let the flight attendant run interference for you, and save you the fuss and embarrassment.
5. Flying: drink plenty of water, because planes dehydrate like nobody’s business. And you can bring your own water through security – if you can make the case it’s medically necessary. Remember to get up and stretch or walk around on long flights.
It seems to me that pilots are using the “fasten seatbelts” light more and more frequently these days. The good news is that it’s not legally binding, in most cases, though disrupting a flight crew is. If you have an immediate, medical need, a flight attendant should let you address that despite the “fasten” light. And if you need help for a medical problem in flight, don’t hesitate to buzz the attendant. That’s why the button is there – for you, and not for the doofus who just wants another packet of pretzels. The attendants will be especially helpful if they already know you have a medical condition, but either way, no point in being shy.
6. Landing: you can use the airplane bathrooms while the plane is parked, before or after the flight. I have often used the toilets while everybody else was disembarking, because I couldn’t wait to get to the airport restroom.
So that’s my advice. If you have any of your own tips, feel free to add them to the comments. Otherwise, I hope this helps you have a safe and enjoyable trip – wherever you might be headed.
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