What’s illness got to do with it?
Friday, February 19 2010
Leslie asks : What is your relationship to illness? Is there a particular time when you wish illness wasn’t in the picture? Or is there a time when you find it’s easy to forget about illness?
My relationship to my illness has been almost entirely bad, like Ike and Tina bad – and I’m not Ike. I’ve always wished illness wasn’t in the picture.
Yes, there have been times when it’s easy to forget my illness – like when I’m asleep, or unconscious, or otherwise not awake. I sometimes escape my illness for a few hours, get far enough away mentally that I don’t worry about it, but I’m always vaguely aware that disease is somewhere inside me. I might feel fine, but I still know where the nearest bathroom is and how I can get there before anyone notices I’m gone.
There are a few times – a precious few times – that illness has actually worked to my benefit. These times would fall under the general category of “pity dates”, and I’m not proud of that at all. I’d gladly trade those rare times for a life without illness. And then, of course, there’s the question of who I would have been dating if I weren’t sick. Those pity dates were good, but not that good.
One of the constant themes in the popular understanding of illness or disability is that suffering is somehow good for us sick people. We learn something or become something we wouldn’t otherwise be – and that whatever is better than who we were. I don’t think that’s necessarily, or even often, true. The people pushing these platitudes aren’t slamming mag-citrate, trying to induce crippling diarrhea, in the name of their own self-improvement. My disease isn’t like cancer or RA; the symptoms are easy to reproduce with over-the-counter medicines (or even bath salts). Obviously, whatever reward I’m getting wouldn’t be worth it to them. So why am I supposed to be content to know that my difficulties “build character”?
That said, there is a legitimate question as to who I would be without my illness. I like to think I’m a good person, and maybe I wouldn’t be as good a person now if I weren’t sick. Looking back at the threads of my life, I see many that don’t lead to this point. And it’s hard to know whether the person I am now would want to trade places with the person I could have been. I honestly don’t know.
An interesting thought experiment, but nothing more. The fact is I am who I am, mostly despite my illness – not because of it. And if I have learned anything from my illness, I consider it my duty to humankind to teach those lessons to other people, so they nobody will ever have to suffer to learn them again.
Yes, people will suffer – that much is inevitable. But when someone tells them, “your disease will teach you X“, they can reply: “I already know X. I read it on Duncan Cross’s blog. Now piss off.”
I love the “Ike & Tina bad” thing. Such a perfect way to put it!
I love this post so much!
I agree on hating the “building character” comment. If I hear that one more time, I might accidentally hurt someone. Come visit me sometime at It’s Time To Get Over How Fragile You Are!
Duncan – agreed, it’s to make them feel better. Yes indeed, those of us who are chronically ill, do learn a lot. Last year I told a friend that I had learned not to spiral into anxiety when I had problems breathing or a tight throat. He said, “I’m sorry you had to learn that.” Exactly. We do learn a lot and we do build character. But I’d rather be using my energy to volunteer, pursue my career, play with friends and family.