Dr. Cross’s* Compendium of Useful Illnesses
Wednesday, October 28 2009
Last week I was mostly wiped out with the flu – not fun. Now that I am recovering, I discovered one helpful benefit from the disease: it burned off a lot of my excess fat. I’m not a particularly muscular guy – nor was I particularly flabby – but what muscles I do have are now clearly defined, thanks to the flu.
And it got me thinking: this is probably the easiest week-long weight loss program ever devised, and it’s totally effective. Instead of staying at home feeling sorry for myself, I should set up a kiosk in the mall and sell used tissues.
Of course, not everyone wants the flu, so I would have to diversify my product line:
24-Minute Flu: the perfect way to end a date gone awkward. Just take two sniffs from the nasal applicator, and flu-like symptoms appear just long enough to wrap things up: “Oh, sorry – I’d love to see your collection of medieval erotica, but I think I’m coming down with the flu”.
Haggivirus: Afraid of you might appear rude by refusing to eat exotic ethnic delicacies? Just take two caplets of our pasteurized and concentrated viral particles, and your problem is solved. “Oh, I couldn’t possibly eat any goat-brains soup – I have a bad case of haggivirus. I’ll just stick to the rice, thanks.” No hurt feelings! It’s that easy.
Stress-induced Spongiform Encephelitis: This short-term memory-loss condition is perfect for spousal arguments: “No, I don’t remember you asking me to fix the sink – it must be my… dang, what is that thing called again?” Dissolve one of our patented prion lozenges under the tongue each morning for all day coverage. This is the only memory-relief aid trusted by dozens of officials called to testify before Congress – as seen on C-SPAN!
Ergodesic Spinal Dysflexia: The perfect way to get out of chores and other physical labor, ESD is available as a cream or in a convenient spray-on applicator. Just apply to your lower back to help prevent lifting of heavy objects, such as trash cans, vacuums, rakes, dirty diapers, and more. (Warning: not for use in worker’s compensation claims.)
Vehicular Muscular Atrophy Syndrome: Now you needn’t pass up those excellent “handicapped” parking spots. With a single injection of our special genetically engineered antibodies, you’re guaranteed to be handicapped whenever and wherever you drive – but only while driving. Pull into that parking spot and walk away with a spring in your step – “But Officer, I’ve got VeMAS!”
If you’re interested in franchising opportunities, you know where to find me.
(*Duncan Cross is not a doctor.)
