Mr. Poopy Pants

Thursday, August 20 2009

Last week’s installment of LoM is pretty gross, but totally realistic. I hate to admit this, but several times in my life I have pooped my pants. A few of my “greatest hits”:

~2002: A friend of mine invited me to hang out with her in her hometown, a city about an hour away from where I live. I drove over and we met in a pub downtown. It was a cold, damp day, and I wanted something hot. I am sensitive to caffeine, so coffee and tea are off-limits. The pub  didn’t have herbal tea, so I decided on hot chocolate. Big mistake. About thirty minutes into my drive home – bam. It was bare interstate, nowhere to pull over. I drove home sitting on a stack of damp newspaper.

~2004: I was trying to get into DC via transit from the place I was staying at the time, so I rode the bus to the Metro station. Little known fact: Metro stations have bathrooms. After September 11th, the government decided that Metro bathrooms are a security risk, so they banned public use when transit is at threat level “orange” or higher. Of course, Metro isn’t allowed to tell riders what the the threat level is, and it’s not necessarily the same as the national threat level. So I arrived at the station, realized I had a problem, and begged the manager to let me into the restroom. He refused – threat level orange! – so I let go in front of a hundred or so commuters. I paid a taxi $5 plus a $20 clean-up fee to take me back to the house.

~2006: I was out on a date, and my lady friend was being a little stubborn about getting back home. Finally we headed out, but I lost control about two blocks from her apartment, still in my car. Most women would have been totally grossed out, but she blamed herself. That, my friends, is what we with IBD call “a keeper”!

I originally intended this post as just a bunch of humorous, gross anecdotes, but I want to redeem myself by pointing out that this is a real problem for thousands, maybe millions of Americans. It’s not just that we have to go, but that there are so few places for us to go. For every ‘hit’ on this list, I’ve suffered a dozen near misses. CVS is pretty cool about letting folks use their bathrooms, but I refuse to shop at Urban Outfitters because I’ve been told in two different stores that my medical emergency is not their problem (also: they sell pretentious kitsch to overmonied poseurs).

One of the reasons it stays a problem is that it’s so difficult to talk about IBD. This is a disease with massive potential for humiliation; nobody wants to be known as a poopy pants – at least, not any adult. Which is why it took a kid to make things change – namely, Ally Bain. As a teenager, she advocated for and won passage of a law that requires access to restrooms for people with medical emergencies. It’s called Ally’s law, and it’s passed or pending in dozens more states, as well as being under consideration as a federal law. I emailed Ally to ask her about that, and she replied:

As for the legislation getting passed on a federal level, there is still a lot of work to do. [...] For anyone who is interested in more information, helping to get the law passed in their state, or lobbying for the legislation on a federal level, please either have them e-mail me at allymbain@yahoo.com or e-mail Representative Ryg at kathy@kathyryg.org. They could also join my Facebook group (Get ALLYS LAW PASSED !!! SUPPORT THE CAUSE! and let go of that red balloon). This group lists where the legislation has passed and where it’s pending. When I hear of any news, I send out messages to the group members. [...]

So maybe you read the above anecdotes and thought, “ewww – why is he telling us this?” I know it’s gross, but it’s also real. It’s what people like me have to deal with to live our lives – and it won’t get better unless we’re able to talk about it.

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