Naughty Nurse
Wednesday, November 12 2008
I have revised this post substantially since its publication; in its original form, it provoked a series of comments that spiraled into mutually assured digression. I have also deleted those comments – and trust me that this is for everyone’s benefit. I apologize to any commenter who thinks I’ve been unfair, but I invite anyone – especially Nurse K – to read over the revised post and respond accordingly.
So the problem is that Nurse K at Crass-Pollination doesn’t like the idea of patients having sex in her hospital. Her post is pretty firmly grounded in an “ewww. gross” reaction. It so happens I’m aware that my disease is unpleasant. I’m even used to having my disease held against me. It is, however, a bit unsettling to get that reaction from a medical professional.
That said, let me confess to a mild cynicism. I wrote the post about sex as a way to talk about something more important: life. I thought I was being clever, but I forgot that not everybody on the internet is comfortable talking about sex. The tips I offered were intended to be provocative, but they were in no way the main point.
One tip was mostly tongue-in-cheek, some less so, and some were entirely serious. I do mean it: don’t look to nurses, other hospital employees, or other patients as potential sexual partners. This speaks to Nurse K’s discomfort about her workplace: she’s not there to be harassed by randy patients, and shouldn’t have to put up with it. Tempting as it seems, most all nurses hate the “Nurse Naughty” stereotype. You don’t want to alienate the person most responsible for your care.
At another level, however, Nurse K’s concerns are a bit too much. I am also entirely serious about asking for privacy: it’s the best, only way to avoid unpleasant surprises. The privacy transaction is crucial: it’s not only a sign that you respect your nurse (and the other employees), but also defines boundaries in your relationship with those around you. That is, if someone asks for privacy, and you give it to them, whatever happens within that privacy is none of your business. It’s not yours to think, worry, or fantasize about – so you can’t blame your discomfort on them. As a patient, you might not always get the privacy you want, but you can certainly ask, and ask for an explanation if you don’t get it.
The difficulty patients have in getting privacy gets to an even deeper point, which also speaks to Nurse K’s concerns about her workplace: hospitals simply aren’t designed with their patients’ lives in mind – not as buildings, and not as organizations. I wrote a bit about this in a revised version of the original post (it’s been a rainy weekend, folks) but I can summarize thusly: hospitals are designed around fear of death, not love of life. Most people in hospitals are busy dying, in one way or another, and so most hospitals are pretty somber places; it wasn’t so long ago, after all, that nurses were indistinguishable from nuns. But for more and more people – especially those with chronic illness – hospitals are becoming a fairly routine part of life. Often, I not only feel better in the hospital, but – I can’t say this enough – I don’t even want to be there. Why should I pretend I’m dying, when all I need is IV fluid and flagyl? If I have to be in the hospital, I’m going to look for ways to live my life regardless, and the nature of the place – the all-pervasive fear – makes the basic joys of life that much more urgent and important. To live meaningfully despite those surroundings is to refuse and defeat fear.
In a perfect world, there would be space in hospitals to accommodate the different sorts of folks who are stuck there, for whatever reason. We’re nowhere close, so any progress will require us as patients to talk about these sorts of things, and to be confident in our right to live our lives. Nurse K’s post is an unfortunate example of the sorts of obstacles we face, but at least we know they’re out there. I will say, however, that not all nurses are like that, probably not even a majority – and god-willing, maybe just the one.
As a health care provider, it is uncomfortable to see people having sex in the hospital, mostly because its very hard to maintain privacy. At the same time, I completely see your point.
Most of the negative staff reactions that I’ve seen are based upon the particular situation ( chronically ill patient who spends a lot of time in the hospital wanting some time alone with his wife versus a substance abuser/sociopath trying to seduce a younger mentally retarded patient in our unit-both true situations).
@purple – I can understand your discomfort, which is why I think it’s better to talk to your nurse and doctor and ask for privacy, rather than just hoping you don’t get caught. In the original post, I did try to point to steps that took into consideration other parties’ concerns. I don’t actually think most people will be comfortable having sex with someone else in the room, whether or not that person is asleep.
I have brain cancer and have been in the hospital for several months now. The second I am transferred to a hospital near my fiance you can bet if I am capable I will be all over her. But for me I have SOME standards I suppose. I would NEVER do it in a room with a roommate or if my nurse deemed me unstable enough to do so. Or if it made the nurse uncomfortable I suppose though sex makes most people uncomfortable. I like the thirty minutes of alone time and possibly a locked door. The hospital I am at now does have one though again I suppose the nurse has easy access to a key to said locked door. Definitely a catch 22 but if I have to live the rest of my life in this place that is something I would like to share with my fiance. Mind you I am 22 and have as I said been at this for several unsuccessful months. I will probably live the rest of my life out in this place and I understand it is a very different situation than being in and out of the hospital but I get your point too nurse K. My nurses have saved my life more than once and are my lifeline to my doctor and I would not want them feeling uncomfortable coming in to check on me. And from the sounds of it you are just like the hard ass gentle souls that has saved my life before.
But I also understand the want for sex. But does want outweigh need for a nurse? Not for me sorry my friend. I understand your position but another day with my girl is worth more than a few minutes of pleasure.
@Rock – I don’t think you should do anything that makes you uncomfortable – I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with another person in the room, either. Otherwise, I hope this is something you’re able to talk to your nurse(s) about, and I hope they’re compassionate enough to see past their own discomfort to your entirely legitimate, very real needs. Still, I’m not arguing that you should do it over your nurse’s objections – that’s something you have to decide for yourself.